it just happens.

Anxiety. No one ever really addresses it. Everyone talks about the nervous feeling they get, usually just a typical feeling before a presentation or big event.

No one ever talks about anxiety and they don’t know why.

NO one ever talks about the anxiety about being around a group of people. About getting in a car. Anxiety about making a decision. Or just simply being bumped into by someone.

I guess no one talks about it because they don’t know why it happens. It just happens. No one understands why it happens, what causes the rush of the overwhelming feeling. No one can explain the feeling of a thousand butterflies flying as fast as they can inside of your chest. No one knows why your throat feels as if any second it’s about to close. No one knows why all of a sudden the room starts spinning at any moment without anything even going on. No one knows why you’re crying. It just happens. 

No one knows why, but it happens to so many people. When it happens, you feel like you’re alone and you can’t understand why no one else seems concerned. But you’re not a no one. If you think you’re a no one. You’re a no one that belongs with everyone. 

Just breathe. When you feel like your about to collapse, when you feel like you’re about to die for no clear reason. Just breathe. When you feel like you might be having a heart attack with no past history. Just breathe, when you feel like you can’t go on any longer, just keep going cause you can. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re not sick, you’re not stupid or anything else. It’s called a panic attack. and it just happens. 

❤

extraordinary

HEY!

so.

If you’re reading this right now, that means you’re alive!!!!

Just thought I’d inform you in case that hasn’t been able to click in your head for a while.

Go do something extraordinary today.

hmmmm, what kinda extraordinary thing do I want you to do?

I want you to go out there and live your life.

Because you living your life, is extraordinary. 

Lonely.

Sometimes I get really lonely. It really hits me right in the heart. My heart just feels empty. Like, you know the feeling when you’re just in existence and not really living? Not feeling? Well lately, I feel as if that has become my life.

As much as I’d love to sit in my room in the dark all curled up in blankets, I can’t allow myself to do that. I can’t let the emptiness in my heart take over and become the emptiness in life. I’ve worked too dam hard to be happy and experience happiness, to let it all slip away. F*ck you depression. Seriously. You’re done taking over my life and deciding things for me.

It’s time that I live for me. It’s time that I feel my heart beating, and not just know that my heart is beating as part as a biological process.

As I think about happiness I had a recent thought pop into my head that I had the other day. So, I was walking into the dining hall at my college the other day, and I thought, “Dang, I’m so lucky to be alive, I’m so alive to be walking and being here right in the moment.” That really should be my thought process every single day. I really need to be more positive.

It’s just so hard to be positive sometimes when you just don’t want to be active or social. So I looked around at 5 ways of being more positive and wanted to share 5 things that stood out to me to possibly help some of you 🙂

1. Exercise at least some portion of my day to get positive endorphins going. I want to get better at running. That’s a goal I have and once I get that goal it’ll boost my confidence a little because most people can outrun me.

2. Work at getting more sleep. Being in college, I tend to go to sleep really late, and then get up for class early in the morning. I should cut off work and socializing at some point so I won’t be so tired and sad all the time. Also, I should get up at a set time, that way I don’t feel like I waste my day and feel useless.

3.  I need to stop comparing myself to people. Seriously. I always compare myself to like EVERYONE that I see. It’s so bad, I’ll admit it. I’m never going to be as good as them, and they won’t ever be as good as me. Because there is one copy of everyone. I don’t need to be better then everyone, I just need to be better than the past me.

4. I need to get rid of my past experiences with roommates. I’ve had some pretty awful roommates, and I just recieved a new one in my apartment. I’m nervous to see what is going to come with her, because I’ve had so many experiences when the roommate and I haven’t exactly seen eye to eye. I need to give this roommate a new chance. I need to forgive my past roommates in hopes of making a new friend with my roommate and stop hiding from people. With my depression, people tend to become scared on “how to deal with me” so i just need to move on.

5.Go with the flow. I think that speaks for itself. I need to lose control and handle things as they come.

“Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

the gym.

Whenever I go to the gym, I go straight to the free weights after stretching, screw cardio. But every time I go over to walk to the free weights- I feel as if guys look at me as if I’m in the wrong place since usually, I’m surrounded by guys as the rest of the other girls are over doing some form of cardio.

Don’t get me wrong-there’s nothing wrong with cardio, it’s just not my thing. It used to be, but I would dread going to the gym just to go do that.

My mom used to be my biggest annoyance with me being a girl and lifting weights. “You don’t want to look manly for your boyfriend.” “You’re getting bulky maybe you should go run.” But then I sat down with her and told her this story.

In my senior year of high school I was in extreme pain with my back after suffering an injury on vacation. I couldn’t walk up the driveway after leaving work early one day. I had to call my parents from my car and have them take me to the hospital. With that injury, I was mentally crippling into the deep darkness. I never thought I’d be able to do a couple things: 1. run, I used to be a soccer player and that was just something I would do. 2. Jump, I used to also be a volleyball player 3. be a normal every day active individual. 

I took doing certain things for granted, when in just one split second, I had it all taken away from me. And that is why I lift.

I lift for the past me, who had trouble even bending down to pick up simple items. I did it for past me, who didn’t think I was strong enough to even live. I did it for the past me that would watch from the cardio machines over at the free weights and thinking “Dam, I wish.”

I stopped wishing, and I did. I watched, I listened and I learned. Now, after lifting for about a year I don’t even think of the physical attributes that come along with lifting, I do it for the mental relaxation that exercising gives me. In fact, I no longer dread going to the gym — I get cranky when I don’t go (haha)

I’m a girl that lifts. How badass is that.

My mom now understands where I come from, she has seen me through it all and now even agrees that I seem happier with where my life is at this point.

The other day, I was able to deadlift 165 pounds. I took a video and sent it. My mom replied with, “you go girl.” Now those 3 words may not seem like a lot, but having my mom be proud and supportive of what I do to make myself happy is a great feeling.

For anyone that has seen the movie Unbroken or has read the book, I have a quote that I can now relate to, that I now live by, and if you don’t know anything about it, look it up—great everything about it.

“If you can take it, you can make it.” 

Respect

So, I had to go home for the weekend for a doctors appoint.

I like being home, trust me I do. It’s just sometimes I feel like I’m haunted by my dark thoughts of my past. But then, I look around and see my family surrounding me, laughing-joking-loving.

You see, over the years–no one has really stood by me like my family has. I’m lucky to be in the family that I’m in. I know some people have stories about family walking away and thinking they’re crazy. My family has been my rock, still are my rock. If I didn’t have my mum, dad and brother, I don’t know where I would be. I remember, my first real scare when it came to suicide, the first person I went to tell was my brother. I didn’t want to keep it inside, I had to tell somebody. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS TELL SOMEONE. My brother had been away at college at the time, so I told him over the phone. I knew I wouldn’t be judged by him, and he was able to tell my parents because I was too scared to. At the time, I was angry that he had told my parents. But now I understood why he told them, and I am so thankful that he did.

My brother and I don’t always get along, trust me. Sometimes we are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. But he’s my big brother, I know that no matter the situation he has my back and I try to have his. He is such a freaking mentally strong individual and I do want to be like him one day. (I will never say this to his face, just saying. Don’t need him to get a big head ;P) But besides my parents, my brother is my role model. I remember one day he started telling me about his feelings towards drugs and alcohol, his experience with depression, his first heart-break etc. After that conversation, I gained so much respect for him. That’s why I aspire to be like him.

I believe in life, you should always have someone to look up to. Not someone who you want to BE. You should always want to be YOU because YOU are absolutely amazing (As all my friends and I say, “You do you”). I believe that looking up to someone is having such admiration and respect for that person, someone who you always want to be around, someone who people respect. One of my goals in life is to be respected by people, just as I respect my brother. I will always say, you don’t have to like someone, but you do have to respect them. But first, you must respect yourself enough not to want to harm yourself, but to love yourself.

Me.

Most people look at me and just see an every day college student. They assume that I’m an open book, and that everything is perfect with my life. I just transferred to a new school to wipe my slate clean. To give myself a second shot at happiness. Since I was 16 years old I have suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attack disorder- I am now 20. I also suffer from Fibromyalgia, which is a musculoskeletal condition which often puts my entire body in pain without me inflicting any pain onto myself, I sometimes just wake up in pain. No one can guess this at my new school, I’ve become a master at hiding it.

My first experience at going away to college was terrible, I was terrible. I would often cry myself to sleep and hate myself. I truly did. I didn’t want to be in existence. On some nights, I would walk around in the dark and cry, imagining myself dead all over campus. I was at the point where I was scared to tell people what was “wrong” with me. Some people that I told would care, others would pretend and push me away. Now I realize, there is NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING DEPRESSED. It’s NOT your fault, it is just a hump in the road that you can and WILL get over. 

Those stories, I guess I will post at later times, the point of this blog you’re wondering? It’s to show that life can go on. Life DOES go on. If you’re reading this and are depressed, life SUCKS, I won’t sugarcoat it–I personally know that it sucks and you feel all alone. But people, people that you’re meant to meet are coming to be by your side and make your future better.

You have to go through the darkness, to see the great light.